Many moons ago, Garrick and I read a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. The focal point of the book is getting couples to understand the basic need for both the husband and the wife. Women need to feel loved to thrive in a marriage and men need to feel respected.
These specific needs are not the problem, the problem is the crazy cycle couples get into with these two vital needs. If a wife does not feel loved by her husband, she will very often not treat him in a respectful manner. On the flip side men who do not feel respected by their wives will very rarely put a whole lot of effort in showing them the love that they need.
What happens is, the wife refuses to show respect to a man that does not seem to really love her and a man refuses to put forth effort in showing love to a woman who disrespects him daily. Emerson goes on to say that one person has to be the hero in the relationship and put a stop to the crazy cycle. Either the husband needs to begin extended love to his wife he does not feel she deserves or the wife need to begin respecting her husband even though she does not feel he has earned it.
This is just ONE of the many stumbling blocks in marriage. One of the other things Emerson digs into is communication. I know, I know, we hear so much about communication in marriage and how vital it is for a healthy successful marriage.
And while yes, it is important to talk and share your thoughts, feelings and dreams, effective communication can often be extremely difficult to achieve in marriage. You may have no problem expressing your feelings and thoughts but the problem may be how either you express them or how your spouse perceives them.
Emerson calls this the blue and pink communication. A woman hears things through a pink hearing aid, while a man hears things through a blue one. He gives the example that this is why a woman can call her girlfriends and share her feelings and feel completely understood and a man can do the same with his guy pals.
Over the past few years and many hurdles we have had to jump over to get to the point of restoration, our communication skills were greatly affected. We have never noticed the pink and blue hearing aids at work as much as we do now!
Things my husband will say to me, will come out of his blue mouth in one way, but hit my pink ears in a totally different context. We thought we would have a little fun with this and share with you so common blue/ pink communication glitches that take place between husbands and wives!
I pray you get a little chuckle out of them if nothing else!
*Wife (pink) asks; How do I look?
*Husband (blue) responds; You look fine, as he barely looks up from the TV.
*Wife (pink) hears; I look boring and unappealing and like I put no effort into my appearance. He doesn't care about me and would rather look at the woman on the TV screen!
*Wife (pink) says; I bought some new underwear today!
*Husband (blue) hears: WOO HOO let's go baby!!!! My wife can't wait to get in the sack with me!
*Husband (blue) says: If you get around to it could you wash my jeans today?
*Wife (pink) hears: What? He doesn't think I get laundry done in a timely fashion? What does he think I do all day? Those jeans have only been in the hamper for 2 days!
*Husband (blue) says; Could you make cookies today and use my mom's recipe?
*Wife (pink) hears What? He doesn't like my cookies? He would rather have his mommy's???
*Wife (pink) says; I am exhausted, I need a break!
*Husband (blue) says: From what? Don't I help you enough? What else can I do? She doesn't recognize anything I do. Why do I bother, it doesn't help anyway.
*Wife (pink) responds: She is angry and hurt that he would not recognize why she is so exhausted. If he really loved and cared about her, he would see her needs.
*Husband (blue) says; Can I give you a back rub tonight to help you relax?
*Wife (pink) hears: Do you want me to rub your back in hopes that it will lead to something MORE!!! She may even turn down the back rub!
*Husband (blue) says; Wait up for me, I'll be coming to bed in a little bit! WINK WINK!
*Wife (pink) says: You know what I'll be doing by the time you get in there.... I'm exhausted!
*Husband(blue) thinks; She doesn't love me. She doesn't care about me. She loves sleep more than me!
So... as you can see... the difference in the way we express and receive communication as men and women can cause A LOT of unnecessary problems in a relationship! Every single one of those statements was taken out of context, even though that was the loud and clear message that individual received!
The only remedy to this is to A. understand that you often are hearing what the other person is not saying or intending and B. be consciencely aware of how you speak and express yourself to your spouse!
This is a continuous problem we have to be aware of around here and I pray this sheds some comedy and light on possible communication miffs in your own marriage!!
Peace and Blessings
Missy and Garrick